The About Me section feels strange and awkward for so many of us to write. It becomes less about me and more about what
I’m afraid others will think of me.
In writing it initially I dedicated this page to telling you my history and qualifications. I set out to answer the questions,
Who am I? and What do I do?
My initial answer went something like this,
It was true, but it was safe and generic. It was an uncomfortable attempt to convince readers of my experience and value instead of simply telling you who I really am and allowing you to decide if I could be a good fit on your journey.
Now, if I were to answer these questions without fear, I would say something like,
The first description may be more acceptable, but I gotta tell ya - the second one feels a lot more freeing!
Maybe it left you thinking I am some kind of weirdo, and I feel all right with that. If I've learned anything on my journey, it's that I have to stand boldly in my truth if I want a shot at a boldly satisfying life. And you'd better believe I do!
In the Spring of 2014 I started to plan my suicide. I had been living a double life for over two decades and just couldn't do it anymore. I lied to everyone I knew and spent countless hours and insane energy trying to keep up the appearance of a person who had it together. Underneath that I was someone who believed I was worthless, unlovable and irredeemably broken. I saw only the destruction I caused, and for good reason - there was a lot of it. I truly felt that killing myself was the only way I could do anything good for the people around me and the world in general. It seemed like a reasonable conclusion. I really didn't have anything to live for (or so I thought).
To be honest, at the time my life really wasn't worth fighting for. I had tried to get better. I read self help books, saw therapists, and tried to change these patterns in my life. Nothing seemed to work. I was ready to give up. I had spent years using sexual behaviors and other substances to feel powerful, escape my pain, define my worth or simply numb out. I treated a lot of really wonderful people really terribly. I was selfish, manipulative, arrogant, mean, dishonest, predatory, entitled, self-righteous, condescending, belligerent and vindictive. I had been this way so long that everyone accepted this as who I was. What's worse is I had accepted it as well. I thought I was born this way and would always be this way (I don't want to ruin any surprises for anyone, but no one is born this way, and we all have the capacity for greatness).
Then on the week of my planned suicide a question crossed my mind: If sexual behavior triggers the same brain chemicals as drugs, can it also lead to the same consequences?
I read stories of other people who knew the pain I'd been feeling and the life I'd been living. Things I never told anyone were right there on the page. The problems I'd encountered and the patterns I'd developed had a name: Sex Addiction. There was a possibility that I wasn't worthless or helpless or broken. And that was enough for me to postpone my plans and go to one recovery meeting.
Since I'm writing this now, you probably figured it out that I didn't kill myself. Nope. I joined a recovery program instead. At the time I thought I was going to learn how to stop the degrading, painful behavior that had been destroying my life. What I didn't know is that I was going to find an immense power within myself to create the life I wanted and become the person I hoped I could be.
Don't get me wrong, this didn't happen from that one meeting. I didn't even get sober after that first meeting. What that night did give me was hope and direction and a glimpse at a second chance. Over the last several years I have been on a journey that has helped me recognize the potential that we all share and to develop tools to bring that into reality.
I chose to stop BARELY living and start BOLDLY living.
A boldly satisfying life is available to all of us! Are you ready for yours?